Values

Values are our deeply held beliefs. They are the principles that guide our life. Every decision you make is based on your values. Values are abstract concepts such as love, loyalty, happiness, freedom, security, truth and health. They may include family, friends and work.

Our values are learned over time through our interactions with significant people and through significant events in our lives. It may be that some of these important people or experiences create new values that come into conflict with existing values.

Each value has a set of expectations that are used to determine whether or not your value is being met.

Example: For you, being loved may be seeing your loved ones smile at you, hearing them express happiness at being in your company, having them as constant or frequent companions. Conflict can occur when you and another person have similar values but your expectations are different.

Imagine a woman with small children who has expectations about love that are similar to the ones outlined above. She would expect her partner to spend time with her, to be pleased to see her and for this pleasure to show on his face.

However, if her partner’s expectations around love were to support loved ones, to ensure that their physical needs were met and to be self sacrificing, he may be
working back late at nights and on weekends.

Expressions such as ‘Of course I love you, that’s why I work so hard for you and the children,’ will not make sense.

He will have failed her test of ‘Does he truly love me?’ by not being with her and at
the end of the day, being tired rather than happy in her company.

Her unconscious understanding of love, that is, her expectations for knowing whether or not she is loved, will not have been met.

It is possible to change the expectations around values by bringing them to conscious awareness and reframing or restating them. This allows a new set of expectations to be negotiated.

Conflict around values can occur also when one of your own values is being expressed in a way that conflicts with another of your values.

For example, if both health and achievement are important, yet you are putting all your effort into achievement at the expense of your health, you may suffer the consequences of headaches, tension and interrupted sleep.

Check out your life. Is there an area of your life which is not working? It may be that the expectations for one of your values is not being met or that some of your
values are in conflict.

Strong emotions are an indicator that
someone has challenged your values or that
you are experiencing a clash of your own values.