If you’ve been working on the ideas offered to improve your life and your relationships by exploring personal power and increasing your assertiveness, here is a another approach that you can add to your list of skills.
When we’re in a relationship, at some point we’ll disagree. Disagreement in itself doesn’t matter, it’s how we disagree and how we resolve our differences. Mostly we find ourselves in the problem, we react negatively and then we try to patch things up.
What if there was a way of correcting the problem before it occurs rather than trying to fix it later?
Think about a recent unpleasant disagreement that you had with someone close to you. If you can, get a picture of that time, hear the words being said or any sounds that occur with the picture. Now check the feelings in your body. By this I mean are you feeling hot or cold, heavy, tingly, tight etc? Try to really get in touch with the physical sensations in your body and then check out where they are. They might be all over in a specific spot such as your shoulders, jaws or gut. Finally, what thoughts are you having? What are you saying to yourself?
These are all the memories of that disagreement that you have stored internally. What do you think are the chances that next time you disagree, some of those feelings will be in the background making it harder to remain calm and positive?
There are two things that you can do.
The first is to change the internal memories to something neutral.
The second is to create a future scenario for friendly disagreement.
How do you do this?
Take the internal memory that you have just explored. Start with either the picture or the sounds or the internal physical sensations – whatever is easiest for you – then change them.
Imagine that you start with a picture. Generally, if an image is close or ‘in your face’ it’s confronting so move it to a comfortable distance; if it’s in colour, experiment with changing or lightening the colour; if you see just the other person, then put yourself in the picture too as less emotion is involved this way.
Go to sound. If it’s too quiet or too noisy, change the sound to a pleasant level. Experiment with other changes.
Keep experimenting when you work with internal bodily sensations. If there is tightness in the shoulders, allow the muscles to relax, if there is heat, feel that area of your body becoming cooler.
Finally, change your self talk to something positive.
You might find that as you start to make changes in one area, other areas change automatically.
When you have finished you are ready to direct your next film. You’ve experimented with your internal memories so play with them now for the movie ‘Friendly Disagreement’ and be aware what a difference it makes to how you disagree in the future
Good luck! Let me know how you go.
