Power is one of those words that is packed with emotion. People who love power are reluctant to admit to it unless they are either high achievers or well on the way. Power is often thought of as something you have that gets you what you want even if it means that others lose out. There can be only one CEO of the company, one person winning the golf tournament, one winner at the Oscars for each category.

I’ve pointed out though that when you achieve power it needn’t be at the expense of others. Personal power is an inner strength that lets you become the type of person you want to be. This needn’t come as a cost to others.

So what does it mean to go beyond personal power?

This is when your exploration and acceptance of your own power flows into helping others achieve.

Think about your current workplace. Is this a place where people are supportive of each other? Do co-workers share ideas and if they do, is this collaborative thinking acknowledged and appreciated? Does management encourage input from workers and is this respected?

If you do work in such a place, is the company or organisation flourishing?

I would suggest that as long as people are doing the work required of them, that the business is well-structured and selling a product that people need using personal power within such a business would result in this business being highly successful.

If you don’t work in an organisation like this, can you imagine what it would be like if you did? What would need to happen in your current workplace to make it such an organisation? Is there some way that you can develop and use your own personal power to help others in your organisation use theirs?

When we’re in a relationship, at some point we’ll disagree. Disagreement in itself doesn’t matter, it’s how we disagree and how we resolve our differences. Mostly we find ourselves in the problem, we react negatively and then we try to patch things up.

What if there was a way of correcting the problem before it occurs rather than trying to fix it later?

Think about a recent unpleasant disagreement that you had with someone close to you. If you can, get a picture of that time, hear the words being said or any sounds that occur with the picture. Now check the feelings in your body. By this I mean are you feeling hot or cold, heavy, tingly, tight etc? Try to really get in touch with the physical sensations in your body and then check out where they are. They might be all over in a specific spot such as your shoulders, jaws or gut. Finally, what thoughts are you having? What are you saying to yourself?

These are all the memories of that disagreement that you have stored internally. What do you think are the chances that next time you disagree, some of those feelings will be in the background making it harder to remain calm and positive?

There are two things that you can do.

The first is to change the internal memories to something neutral.

The second is to create a future scenario for friendly disagreement.

How do you do this?

Take the internal memory that you have just explored. Start with either the picture or the sounds or the internal physical sensations – whatever is easiest for you – then change them.

Imagine that you start with a picture. Generally, if an image is close or ‘in your face’ it’s confronting so move it to a comfortable distance; if it’s in colour, experiment with changing or lightening the colour; if you see just the other person, then put yourself in the picture too as less emotion is involved this way.

Go to sound. If it’s too quiet or too noisy, change the sound to a pleasant level. Experiment with other changes.

Keep experimenting when you work with internal bodily sensations. If there is tightness in the shoulders, allow the muscles to relax, if there is heat, feel that area of your body becoming cooler.

Finally, change your self talk to something positive.

You might find that as you start to make changes in one area, other areas change automatically.

When you have finished you are ready to direct your next film. You’ve experimented with your internal memories so play with them now for the movie ‘Friendly Disagreement’ and be aware what a difference it makes to how you disagree in the future

Good luck! Let me know how you go.

When you set out along this path you will need to take some necessities with you as with any lengthy journey. These necessities are:

- a belief in yourself

- an awareness of your values

- enough energy to take the trip

- a plan of action

Self belief comes to us from outside as children by the warm and caring way adults respond to us. If you were fortunate enough to have this experience then build on this by seeking out the people and events in life that continue to increase your belief in yourself as a worthwhile human being. If your experience of childhood was harsh or abusive, know that you still have the right to these feelings of worth but you may need help in letting go of beliefs of worthlessness before you can build on your strengths.

Your values guide you throughout your life so it is useful to be aware of what they are. Sometimes we acquire values to see us through difficult times eg as a child we might lie to an abusive parent to avoid being beaten. When these times pass it is important to review our values so they fit with the kind of person we want to be.

Guidelines for managing your energy have been given in my blog Assertiveness and Energy so please read this for more details. For now, imagine this. You are about to set out, your bags are packed, tickets booked and you find yourself either with hardly enough energy to get the bags in the car to drive to the airport or an overwhelming feeling that you’re not going to be able to keep up with all the activities planned for the trip. What do you do?

Before you even get to that point, be aware of your energy levels. You may need intervention at a physical level or it may be that your environment is exhausting you and needs to be changed. This environment is both the external world, such as demands by family, friends, your workplace, and your internal world – your beliefs, levels of confidence, ability to handle stress and your resilience.

Your plan of action
It has been said that goals tell you where you want to go and action plans get you there. Consider an action plan that you might make for your journey and the decisions that have to be made. You will need to work out where you want to go, how you’re going to get there, if you’ll need assistance or advice and what the cost will be. Your journey along the path to personal power is similiar. When you increase your personal power,  how do you want your life to be? What resources will you need upon the way? What will it cost – perhaps the ending of some old relationships?

Spending some time reflecting on these questions will help you get underway.

Being aggressive

or

Becoming upset

The first and most important question to answer before working out your response to this emotion is

Who is responsible for our emotional states?

If you hold the empowering belief that we are responsible for our own emotional states then it is easier to deal with the emotional responses of others. If you hold the opposite, disempowering belief that ‘people out there’ are responsible, then your task is more difficult.

While it is true that we can influence others – and we do all the time – do we control them? Even in extreme conditions such as imprisonment and torture, people have been know to refuse to c-ooperate with their captors. When we speak of others ’making us feel a certain way’ isn’t it more truthful to say, ‘I get angry when that person is rude to me,’ rather than, ‘That person makes me angry when they are rude to me.’ Isn’t it time that we as adults own up to being in charge of our own emotions?

Let’s imagine that you already knew you were in charge or if not, you now agree that you are in charge and work out some responses to other people being angry or being upset.

1. Relaxed breathing helps. When we are feeling anxious we hold our breath. Our breathing then becomes shallow as we breath into the upper part of our chest. This leads to less oxygen to the brain and lessens our ability to think clearly.
How do we do relaxed breathing?

Firstly, take a small step to the side. Any movement of the body will create a small change in your emotional state.

Secondly, breath more deeply into your lungs by allowing your rib cage to expand sideways. hold your breath for a moment before releasing it. Pause for a moment before breathing in.

Thirdly, practice this breathing before you need it. It won’t come automatically if you try to use it for the first time in a stressful situation. Practising this breathing is calming and can be done anywhere – while waiting in a queue, at a red light, sitting at your desk or at the table before you eat – and will keep you in a more relaxed state.

2. Acknowledge the person’s emotional state. If someone is in front of you huffing and puffing, they don’t want their frustration to be ignored and it will help to calm them down if  you say to them,

‘I can see you’re angry (upset, frustrated), what’s happened?’

rather than ,’Why don’t you calm down and tell me what’s wrong?’ Telling them to feel the opposite of how they are feeling, doesn’t help them do it. Accepting the feeling will.

NB: Expect that their response may well be ‘Of course I’m angry, I’ve been waiting etc. etc. . . . ‘ and know that their emotion still needs to be released AND that it will lessen shortly as they tell you about the problem. Give them some time to vent their spleen because they will not hear properly until their emotion is dealt with. Then you can discuss solutions.

3. Care for your own emotional state. The more you are able to manage your own emotional states, the easier it will be to manage others. If you know that you may be dealing with a difficult person, reduce the other amount of stressors that are likely to occur on the same day ie if something can be delayed then do so rather than push yourself. Debriefing – having a chat to a friend or colleague after the event – can be very helpful.

Remember – like most things, assertiveness becomes easier with practise. Unless you are someone who loves a massive challenge, start practising with small things then build to the more challenging. After all, you wouldn’t run a marathon if you’ve spent the last six weeks in a rocking chair, would you?

]]> http://visionphoenixconsultancy.com/dealing-with-emotional-responses-to-your-assertiveness/feed 0 http://visionphoenixconsultancy.com/assertiveness-and-energy http://visionphoenixconsultancy.com/assertiveness-and-energy#comments Tue, 02 Aug 2011 00:09:01 +0000 admin http://visionphoenixconsultancy.com/blog/?p=85 Last week I wrote about some of the things that get in the way of you being assertive. The first thing mentioned was not having energy. What exactly does this mean?

Physical energy is pretty clear. You know when you get out of bed each morning how much effort you have to make to get going. During the day you might be aware of drops in your energy. This could be before a meal because you’re low on nutrients or for a number of people it’s the mid afternoon slump.

So this is one kind of energy you might be lacking at a time when it’s really important to be assertive.

Another kind of energy and possibly an even more important one is your emotional energy.

Emotional energy is your ability to deal with whatever emotional challenges have come your way. Several examples:

Your partner comes home from work after a really bad day and wants to tell you all about it. Your day has been a good one and it’s fairly easy to stay relaxed and be sympathetic. You have enough emotional energy to do this. What if your day has been terrible too? How much emotional energy do you think you’ll have to listen to someone else’s problems when your own are quite significant? You’re right – you’ll have less than if you’d had a good day.

Your child comes home with a poor report card – you worry. Then a family member rings to let you know they have a serious illness. On your way to work the next day someone sideswipes your car. You get to work to find the submission for your latest project has been rejected. On a scale of 1 – 10, where would you rate your emotional energy? It’s more likely to be between 1 - 5 than 6 – 10.

How does this relate to being assertive? It’s important to be aware of your energy levels when the opportunity to be assertive presents. If your energy – both physical and emotional – is average to high and you have assertive skills, then go for it. If either your physical or emotional energy levels are low, you may need to postpone being assertive if this is possible. For example, the phone call that’s needed could be made after lunch rather than before lunch. The colleague or friend you need to talk with can wait until tomorrow.

If assertiveness is needed in the moment, go for a lower level such as, ‘I’d like to think over what you’ve said. How about I get back to you tomorrow morning?’

Delaying an assertive response when your energy is low is NOT an excuse for avoiding assertiveness. How do you tell the difference? If you almost always put it off, then there’s a very good chance it’s avoidance.

Next week we’ll explore some of the other things that get in the way of being assertive.

Next week: Dealing with Emotional Responses to Your Assertiveness

I was having dinner with a small group of fellow travellers when one of them told us about the difficulty that he had on aeroplanes because of his ears. He had a problem that led to deafness for several days after flying so had been to a specialist for an expensive operation to fix the problem. Not only was it expensive, it was quite painful. Furthermore, to his distress it didn’t work.

‘What will I do?’ he said. ‘I can’t go back to the doctor and tell him it was a failure.’

Now this man was not quiet and timid. He was a successful businessman, told great stories and generally enjoyed being the centre of attention. He was also considerate of others and had excellent social skills.

‘Why don’t you just tell him that you’re disappointed the operation wasn’t a success?’ I suggested and I could tell from his expression that this was not going to happen.

What is it that makes someone with so many skills unable to be assertive for this is what he was unable to do? A visit to the doctor with a straightforward, non-aggressive comment on his disappointment would respect the doctor’s needs for reasonable behaviour from his patients while respecting his own needs about not getting value for money and suffering pain from an operation. The doctor would benefit from the feedback of the lack of success of the operation and this, in turn, would have consequences for his future patients if he accepted this feedback in the right spirit.

We can all be assertive on occasions. Take a moment to think of a time when you let someone know in a straight forward way, that what they did or what they said was not acceptable or when you simply stood your ground. It might have been as simple as refusing an extra helping at a meal when you were already feeling full.

Friend: ‘Have another helping.’

You: ‘Thankyou. It was delicious but I’m already full’

Friend: ‘Go on. Just a small piece.’

You: ‘Thanks, but I can’t manage it.’

Friend: ‘I’ll think you don’t like it’ (said in a teasing fashion)

You: ‘You know I love your cooking but no thanks.’

Believe it or not, after a while your friend will give up so if you’ve had this experience or any experience of assertiveness know that you can do it and the things that stand in the way of you being more assertive are:

- sometimes you don’t have the energy

- the person your dealing with usually responds emotionally – either getting upset or being aggressive

- you’re worried that the person might respond emotionally

- your need to be liked at all costs takes over even when the cost it too high

- the person you’re dealing with either has positional power (eg your boss) or imagined power over you.

It is possible to draw from the strengths of your existing assertive skills and build on these. Learning to overcome any of the barriers mentioned above is also possible for you.

As we enter into a greater exploration of assertiveness, we’ll explore all these options. I value the feedback that you have already given to me and know that our discussions will yield valuable information for all my readers.

The reason my fellow traveller seemed unlikly to tell his doctor?

I saw him give very clear feedback to a waiter so needing to be liked by all was not a problem. Lack of energy was not a problem either. I wondered about positional power. Did he believe the doctor as an expert in medicinal matters had some power over him?

While we will never know for certain, it’s useful to reflect on those times when you have been tempted to give your power to others.

Next week we’ll explore in more detail some of the barriers listed above and how to over come them before focusing on assertiveness in the workplace.

Topic for next week: What is personal power?

It doesn’t matter whether you’re a small, medium or large business. The approaches are very similar although larger businesses have the advantage of a HR department.

There are 3 steps that, if taken, will be the most effective.

1. Try to find out why the employee is making life difficult at work
2. Work out a possible solution with the employee
3. Follow-up, follow-up and follow-up.

There are many types of difficult employees. There are negative employees who always find fault with the company and other co-workers; there are aggressive employees who make other co-workers feel unsafe and intimidated; there are unproductive employees who spend their time gossiping, talking non-stop in fact doing anything to avoid working at their job. If you spend time talking to other managers and supervisors, you’ll end up with quite a list. No matter what the inappropriate behaviour is, you must

TAKE ACTION and TAKE IT QUICKLY

Step 1
Check your employee’s motivation. Arrange for a time for them to come to your office and let them know that there have been some problems with their behaviour and/or their performance. Speak in a clear, calm voice and stress that this meeting is to find out why the problem exists and to give them some help in solving the problem. You will also need to make it clear that when the problem is solved, life will be better for them but if it isn’t there could be unpleasant consequences.

Why the carrot and the stick approach?

Some people are motivated by moving towards a goal. The thought of life being better and more enjoyable at work is attractive for them. Before your talk with them, they may have never considered that change was possible.

Other people, possible the majority, are only motivated by moving away from pain. Good times at the office or in the factory will not shift them but the thought of demotion, or closer supervision or even the loss of their job will be enough to get them moving. Remember though, not to make it too heavy handed in the first interview.

Step 2
Different reasons for difficult behaviour may need different approaches. If your employee is not feeling confident about the work, they may use inappropriate behaviour to hide their concerns about poor performance. Support and more training might be the way to change this.

Sometimes employees are going through stressful times in their personal lives such as divorce, chronic illness or death in the family. Situations like these need to be balanced between awareness of their needs e.g. they may need occasional days off for a few weeks or months, and the demands of their job. Discussion may lead to a suitable outcome for both with the employee more relaxed and productive at work when they are there. Certainly, their feelings of loyalty to a company that had such a policy would increase. It would also improve any relationship that they had with you.

Aggressive employees need to be dealt with assertively and if they don’t have the problems mentioned above, then it’s important to let them know the behaviours at work that are acceptable and those that are inappropriate. For example, going up to a colleague’s desk, standing over them and complaining to them in a raised voice is not the way to deal with a problem.

Give them an alternative behaviour because they may not have one

It is essential to have clear consequences in these cases.

Step 3
Many plans fall apart at this point. You and your employee may be making progress but the effort involved has been a strain for both of you. How easy just to sit back and feel relieved that all your hard work and patience has paid off.

Be warned – if you leave off now all your good work can come unstuck.

It is not easy getting rid of old habits and creating new ones so unless you follow-up old patterns will creep back in. How do you follow up? It’s really not all that hard. At the end of each interview with your employee set a time for the next review. When sufficient change has been made for you and your employee to be happy with the progress made, set aside time for the next review – no later than a fortnight away – to help your employee stay on track. Remember to praise the employee for the progress they’ve made. This leaves the meeting on a positive note

At the next follow-up review any difficulties experienced and praise again the changes made. You can do this by highlighting some of the changes from when they first came to see you. Let them know there will be two more follow-ups, one in a month’s time and one in 3 month’s time. If they ask why, be truthful and tell them old habits like to hang around for a few months so this way they can make sure they stay on top.

After the one month follow-up, suggest they have a small celebration to mark the changes occurring,

At the final follow-up, suggest a big celebration. Depending on your employee, ask them if they would be willing to help out in the future with any other difficult employees. If they ask how, suggest something along the lines of a pep talk such as change is possible and here are some of the ways to do it. It will help cement their new habits.

Next week: How To Be More Assertive at Work

The Micro Manager

Have you ever had someone look over your shoulder, commenting on your work as you do it and making ‘helpful’ suggestions? The Micro Manager may not be looking physically over your shoulder but they’re standing there just the same. What is it that makes some people unable to delegate and get on with their own work?

Trust has a lot to do with it. Sometimes these managers find it very difficult to believe that anyone else could attend to the detail that the job requires. You may find a streak of perfectionism in there too. Remembering back to the Myers Briggs Type Indicator, another useful personality type to understand in addition to the MBTI is the preference for some people to think globally and others to prefer the detail.

When you’re a global thinker, it’s the big picture that interests you. When your preference is for detail it’s the nitty gritty that you’ll concentrate on. Both appproaches have their uses at different times and in different situations. Your Micro Manager has made the mistake of allowing their preference for detail to hinder rather than help.

What do you do? It’s essential that you communicate your concerns. The best way to approach this is by having written details of your job description. Make a time with your manager taking the description with you and let them know that you find it very comprehensive. You are concerned though, that your work is reviewed so frequently and would like to change this. Initially, if your manager checks in with you 3 times a day you may have to make it daily, gradually lengthening the time between their scrutiny.

The Ruler

These managers like power. They bestow their favours on certain employees. In previous times, kings and queens had courtiers who would spend their time trying to impress and amuse and so gain favours. Times have changed but human beings are adaptable and what worked in one historical period can easily be translated to modern times.

Ask yourself this? How much power does your manager have over you? If you perform well without bowing and scraping to become a favourite, will you be able to succeed at your job? It’s useful to know where you stand. Remember too that being assertive ultimately serves you better than being passive. If you try too hard to please, you’ll lose the respect of your manager and other work colleagues over time. If you can work well without having to bow and scrape and if you can ignore the favouritism shown to others then stay. If this is not possible, it may be time to consider a move.

Next week: Dealing with Difficult Employees

The Poor Decision Maker

These managers either try to please everyone by agreeing with all points of view and getting nowhere or they are out of their depth and have little idea of what’s going wrong and how to fix it. If your manager is trying to please everyone, they are not being assertive. Their needs are not being stated and they’re certainly not being met.

Take this scenario. Your manager meets with you because you want to take a particular direction on a project. They agree with your ideas then later, you find they’ve agreed to  another direction that’s the opposite of what you suggested. No wonder you feel annoyed and frustrated. Can’t they make up their mind you might ask? Well, no. Their decisions are based not on what is the best idea but on what pleases the person in the room at the time.

Remember the different personalities from the blog Dealing with Difficult People?  One of the Myers Briggs Indicator Types, the Feeling Type likes to please others and maintain harmony in the workplace. Your poor decision maker is a Feeling Type although not all Feeling Types make poor decisions. This does tell you something though – using only rational, logical approaches with this type of manager will not work.

So what do you do?

One approach is to bring the different groups that need a decision into the same meeting and negotiate with them before the meeting commences. You will then need to make a clear statement at the end of the meeting about the outcome and document this decsion.

The Bully

Why do some managers use bullying as a way of getting things done? There are several reasons

It’s the only style they know and they’ve used it all their life, even in the playground.

Their first managers or bosses may have used this approach, so their training in management is limited.

Some managers use aggression as a means of covering their fear. If they lose their temper it means that you’ll do what they want.

Some manage their own stresses badly and take it out on others.

The most important way to manage bullying is by being assertive. Sometime being assertive is confused with being aggressive. Assertiveness is looking after your own needs and communicating them clearly while respecting the needs of others. Aggression is looking after your own needs at the expense of others. That means you must be aware of your own needs in relation to your work and be able to state them clearly. When you clearly understand your own goals you have a basis for discussing your work with your manager. You can then check their expectations of you. Remember – in working out your goals they must be realistic and achievable and have a very clear time frame. Even if your boss or manager bullies because that’s their style, you will gain respect by not being frightened of them and showing that you are prepared to take your job seriously.

Take notice too of how other people deal with the boss and which approaches are more successful.

If there are any sympathetic colleagues or managers who handle the situation well, check with them about the best approach to take.

Next week:  The Micro Manager, The Emperor

• Your co-workers or colleagues
• Your boss or manager
• Your staff

First up - difficult co-workers or colleagues.

Unless you’re in the wrong organisation, you’ll find yourself getting on well with most people most of the time. However, there’ll be one or more people who will challenge you during your working life.

To manage this, first of all decide if the difficulty lies with a group or one or two people. If it’s a group such as the production department, accounts or human resources, you have an organisational problem and this needs to be handled by your organisations leaders working with staff.

If the difficulty lies with a co-worker or colleague, let’s look at what might be wrong and how to fix it.

Today, we’ll check out different personality types and how these can be the basis for misunderstanding. While there are a number of ways of understanding people, we’ll use the Myers Briggs Type Indicator as our guideline.

Extraverted and Introverted
Some people, Extraverts, are very outgoing and need to solve problems by talking them through. They get their energy from being with other people. Introverts are people who need time to think things through. They are energised by having some time to themselves.

Sensate and Intuitive
People who are Sensate like order and procedures. They feel comfortable in a world they can touch. Intuitive people have difficulty attending to detail and prefer to follow hunches. They may be disorganised.

Thinking and Feeling
Thinking people like analysing situations and having a logical order. They do not express their emotions readily and can have difficuty dealing with other people’s emotions. Feeling people are very aware of their own emotions and the emotions of others. They need harmony at work and like to please others.

Judging and Perceiving
People who are Judging like order and closure. Completing tasks is necessary for them. Perceiving people enjoy moving from one stimulating event to another. Closure is unimportant to them.

By now you may have recognised some aspects of your own personality. Remember, types are a general guideline to help you understand yourself and others.

How do they do this?

If you’re an extravert working with an introvert, give them time to think things through.
If you’re an introvert, let the extravert know that you need this time.

If you’re type is sensate, be aware that you like procedure and set way of doing things. You will be challenged by new problems while the intuitive will leap at this opportunity. Discuss this so that you can use each others skills. As an inuitive type you’ll benefit from the precision of the sensate as you don’t enjoy working on the details and can make mistakes by being impatient.

As a thinking type, you’ll benefit from the awareness of interpersonal relationships that is true of feeling types while feeling types can benefit from learning how thinking types manage difficult situations such as reprimanding or even firing people.

Finally, if you are a judging type, be open to the options provided by the perceiving type while as a perceiving type, working with a judging type will help you make decisions and complete tasks – even the ones you find unpleasant.

Next week: Tips for Dealing with Difficult Managers