What are the emotional responses to us that might occur when we have been assertive? The two most common ones are
Being aggressive
or
Becoming upset
The first and most important question to answer before working out your response to this emotion is
Who is responsible for our emotional states?
If you hold the empowering belief that we are responsible for our own emotional states then it is easier to deal with the emotional responses of others. If you hold the opposite, disempowering belief that ‘people out there’ are responsible, then your task is more difficult.
While it is true that we can influence others – and we do all the time – do we control them? Even in extreme conditions such as imprisonment and torture, people have been know to refuse to c-ooperate with their captors. When we speak of others ’making us feel a certain way’ isn’t it more truthful to say, ‘I get angry when that person is rude to me,’ rather than, ‘That person makes me angry when they are rude to me.’ Isn’t it time that we as adults own up to being in charge of our own emotions?
Let’s imagine that you already knew you were in charge or if not, you now agree that you are in charge and work out some responses to other people being angry or being upset.
1. Relaxed breathing helps. When we are feeling anxious we hold our breath. Our breathing then becomes shallow as we breath into the upper part of our chest. This leads to less oxygen to the brain and lessens our ability to think clearly.
How do we do relaxed breathing?
Firstly, take a small step to the side. Any movement of the body will create a small change in your emotional state.
Secondly, breath more deeply into your lungs by allowing your rib cage to expand sideways. hold your breath for a moment before releasing it. Pause for a moment before breathing in.
Thirdly, practice this breathing before you need it. It won’t come automatically if you try to use it for the first time in a stressful situation. Practising this breathing is calming and can be done anywhere – while waiting in a queue, at a red light, sitting at your desk or at the table before you eat – and will keep you in a more relaxed state.
2. Acknowledge the person’s emotional state. If someone is in front of you huffing and puffing, they don’t want their frustration to be ignored and it will help to calm them down if you say to them,
‘I can see you’re angry (upset, frustrated), what’s happened?’
rather than ,’Why don’t you calm down and tell me what’s wrong?’ Telling them to feel the opposite of how they are feeling, doesn’t help them do it. Accepting the feeling will.
NB: Expect that their response may well be ‘Of course I’m angry, I’ve been waiting etc. etc. . . . ‘ and know that their emotion still needs to be released AND that it will lessen shortly as they tell you about the problem. Give them some time to vent their spleen because they will not hear properly until their emotion is dealt with. Then you can discuss solutions.
3. Care for your own emotional state. The more you are able to manage your own emotional states, the easier it will be to manage others. If you know that you may be dealing with a difficult person, reduce the other amount of stressors that are likely to occur on the same day ie if something can be delayed then do so rather than push yourself. Debriefing – having a chat to a friend or colleague after the event – can be very helpful.
Remember – like most things, assertiveness becomes easier with practise. Unless you are someone who loves a massive challenge, start practising with small things then build to the more challenging. After all, you wouldn’t run a marathon if you’ve spent the last six weeks in a rocking chair, would you?
